The beginning of the end....

In 1996, the marriage began it's final downslide.  Too much traveling for business, not enough time focused on friendship and very little hope for the future were all major contributing factors.  The truth is, for me, I was still angry at and terribly disappointed in my husband.

He was driving the car the day my world changed.  His health was the issue and he didn't feel the need to improve his managing skills.  So, my anger built daily although I never felt the freedom to share it.

I was attending classes at the local community college and began making changes to downsize our financial commitments.  Our divorce was simple.  We decided amicably how the financial responsibilities would be split and how our time with Whitney would be shared.  It was, ironically, a very friendly divorce.

I found a farmhouse for rent at a very reasonable and affordable price.  I moved my daughter into the house and I was hired as a Kindergarten teacher beginning in the fall (it was June).  I had a small amount of savings to make it until the school year began and thus, we started our new life.

Unfortunately, I was ill prepared for the grieving process, coupled with managing a household and preparing to work full time.  It was an incredible transition for me, a full time housewife prior to the divorce.  There was lawn care, home care, my normal parenting and the concerns of bringing home the bacon.  To boot, I had only lived in this city for about eight months and had few friends who knew me well.   I really didn't even like this city but didn't want to move my daughter away from her father.  My good friends lived too far away to really understand the gravity of my situation because we could only communicate by phone.

My attitude was self exalting.  "I am woman, hear me roar" was my motto.  Dealing with all of the things then was way more than I could handle.  Looking back, it makes me laugh....but, the events to come were not really all that funny at the time.  A horrible series of circumstances, my pride being the greatest contributor, caused me to "go crazy" for a time.  This season should have been faced as a "new beginning" but, instead it was a rapid free fall down a dark and scary hole.

I had always believed if I treated people well, they would not intentionally cause me harm.  This is far from the truth of our world.  Funny how small actions can cause pain in the depths of our heart.  The hurt and pain I felt starting in 1992 and cresting in 1996 was more than I could bear.  There was no one who was truly willing to listen to me (later I would learn it was God I needed to speak with) and I felt all alone.  At the same time, there was this beautiful 7 year old in my life who desperately needed consistency and reassurance that everything was going to be just fine.  By day, I was confident mom and by night (after she went to bed) I was fearful and lonely woman terrified if I told anyone, I would lose the most amazing thing in my life - my living daughter.

(c) 2011 Daphne Keys